TRANSPARENTLY ME

I was molested when I was nine.

Knew I was gay since I was five.

Been beat up, and rufied

Hated myself for who I was inside.

Raised in the confines of Christianity,

I believed love didn’t exist for me.

Woke up in unknown places,

Slept with more people than everyone I know combined.

Discovered porn in my preteens,

Lost my virginity on a washing machine.

I have had more drinks than Amy Winehouse,

Been blacked out and coked out and cracked out

And smoked smack out of a light bulb.

When I was nineteen I watched my mother die,

Right before my eyes.

Been suicidal didn’t want to exist.

I had been pretending I was ok,

But as a boy trying to become a man

I didn’t have the coping skills to understand.

I have lost friends,

Held knifes to my wrist,

Put a belt around my neck just wanting to not exist.

I have starved myself to be rail thin

And shoved fingers down my throat

To eradicate the after effects of a binge.

And through it all,

I somehow made it to today.

I realize I have made mistakes.

The lessons learned,

The memories earned.

Have built me up to the man I am today.

Always imperfectly perfect,

Seeking beauty in the everyday.

Happiness comes from within,

Loving yourself even if your bones

aren’t showing and your not rail thin.

That life is worth living and truly a gift.

To numb is to ignore,

And no amount of alcohol or drugs or sex

Can replace or deal with the pain.

So here I am today,

Holding on to this dear life.

Not plagued by thoughts of death,

But of living in this beautiful life.

To be the best version of me,

Not defined by my past or things I accrue

But by being authentically, genuinely true

To myself and being the best I can be.

So hold on to what is authentically you,

Remember the party eventually stops,

And what you are left with is you.

So love yourself, who you are and remember

You have value to give.

Be transparent, believe in life and invest in love

‘cus at the end of our lives we are remembered

not for what we had but..

for the experiences we had to give.

Benj

Boots of a thousand miles

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I have walked hundreds…

If not thousands of miles…

Looking…

Found in a New York snow…

These boots kept my feet safe,

And have been with me for four years now.

They represent my journey…

Through a wilderness,

across borders…

From coast to coast

And here they are still with me

Dirty…beaten up…

Dilapidated…

Worn out…worn in

Transformed by the weather…

the emotion with which I stomped in them…

I have danced…karaoked…jumped…ran for beer

And still even with their unraveling laces…

I keep them near.

I have very few things I cherish…

A few things that represent me…

But these boots represent me…

And my journey of what I have yet to see.

-Benj

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Get the Print HERE.

(photo by http://www.courtneyjade.com in 2009)

Remants of Tranformity

Photo credit by www.courtneyjade.com

Remnants of the former me…

try to blockade from the reality,

of what is today.

Old habits.

Old behaviors..

trace amounts of inadequacy.

For what?

For me?

To hold on to what used to be…

If that was me…

Or maybe just what I used to numb…

Distract…

Detract…

Escape…

Interfere…

Out of fear…

of what?

Who…why…where…how?

I am supposed to resurrect

A refined quality…

Without superiority…

Inferiority…

Insecurity…

Absurdity…

Well maybe a bit oddly…

To be the blossom of the transformative seedling…

Pod…

That once used to be…

And in this journey the acceptance

Of obscurity is in truth all me,

An artist

A thinker

A creative

An adventurer

A quality of narcissism quantified by insecurity.

-Benj

(photo by at http://www.courtneyjade.com)

Colon-ary rules

colon semi

I used to write a lot without a second thought….

…. then I realized my rules for grammar….

were less than thought…

but rules are just parameters…

and parameters are just barometersthat are either learned or taught….

so take your guidelines…

your semi colons…

my grammatical errors….

and shove them up Webster’s ass…

that’s my grammatically…

phonetically…

kinetically….

repetitive cross to bare.

-Benj

Sex drive

Benj gasoline

I used to be a slut

With a high sex drive…

But once I got wheels…my drive…

Fueled the gas of my wheels

and took to the open road.

Feeling horny?

Let me give you a honk…

If you’re in my way…

…because that’s the only way I will come…

…until I find another love one day.

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E-roaded

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I get on the road and I get carried away…

Carried away to where?

Where my heart is…wherever I follow it and there it shall be….

One month.

A west coast journey…

Feeling free…from the dumb of not being free…

To freely access adventure…

Find enchantment…

Exploring…

Without knowing…

Being open…to the fear of growing.

Its easy to stay…to succumb…to routine…

Its change by feeding…

Exploring…

Unearthing experiences…I will not stop… til I one day…

Become one with the sea.

I get on the road and I get carried away…

Carried away to where?

Where my heart is…wherever I follow it and there it shall be….

One month.

A west coast journey…

Feeling free…from the dumb of not being free…

To freely access adventure…

Find enchantment…

Exploring…

Without knowing…

Being open…to the fear of growing.

Its easy to stay…to succumb…to routine…

Its change by feeding…

Exploring…

Unearthing experiences…I will not stop… til I one day…

Become one with the sea

-Benj

Live you live

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I refuse to conform to societal norms…

What is normal anyways? Is normal settling into a high powered career? It could be…

…but its just not for me…

To be chained to a cubicle feels like an untimely early and slow death…

…we all have to find our own way…

….decide what our core values are…pursue them…

…some seek wealth…things…possessions…

I seek adventures…experiences….genuine authentic connection…

…so take your path and I’ll take mine….

…your imperfection is my perfection….and my imperfection is your perfection…but what it is perfect anyways….but a sordid standard that is unattainable…

…find your bliss….and save your judgements along the way for someone else…

who gives a fuck…because I have better fucks to give…and a beautiful life to live.

Sincerely,

Benj