I was molested when I was nine.
Knew I was gay since I was five.
Been beat up, and rufied
Hated myself for who I was inside.
Raised in the confines of Christianity,
I believed love didn’t exist for me.
Woke up in unknown places,
Slept with more people than everyone I know combined.
Discovered porn in my preteens,
Lost my virginity on a washing machine.
I have had more drinks than Amy Winehouse,
Been blacked out and coked out and cracked out
And smoked smack out of a light bulb.
When I was nineteen I watched my mother die,
Right before my eyes.
Been suicidal didn’t want to exist.
I had been pretending I was ok,
But as a boy trying to become a man
I didn’t have the coping skills to understand.
I have lost friends,
Held knifes to my wrist,
Put a belt around my neck just wanting to not exist.
I have starved myself to be rail thin
And shoved fingers down my throat
To eradicate the after effects of a binge.
And through it all,
I somehow made it to today.
I realize I have made mistakes.
The lessons learned,
The memories earned.
Have built me up to the man I am today.
Always imperfectly perfect,
Seeking beauty in the everyday.
Happiness comes from within,
Loving yourself even if your bones
aren’t showing and your not rail thin.
That life is worth living and truly a gift.
To numb is to ignore,
And no amount of alcohol or drugs or sex
Can replace or deal with the pain.
So here I am today,
Holding on to this dear life.
Not plagued by thoughts of death,
But of living in this beautiful life.
To be the best version of me,
Not defined by my past or things I accrue
But by being authentically, genuinely true
To myself and being the best I can be.
So hold on to what is authentically you,
Remember the party eventually stops,
And what you are left with is you.
So love yourself, who you are and remember
You have value to give.
Be transparent, believe in life and invest in love
‘cus at the end of our lives we are remembered
not for what we had but..
for the experiences we had to give.